Rain or shine.

In the days when I felt lighter, when I felt like I had woken up from the dreariness I felt, I remember thinking, “Well, now what am I going to do with a blog about ennui?”

I thought the spaciousness I felt would be permanent. I thought I had solved something.

So then feeling discouraged and limited and worried again the very next week felt like a failure, and also like a betrayal. How could that spaciousness go away? Why do I have to come back to this?

I really, really don’t understand impermanence in a visceral way. I haven’t gotten it down in my bones that I am not going to feel euphoric all the time no matter what I do. This is about learning to cope with my whole life, including the inevitable ups and downs, not somehow escaping the changes of my inner landscape.

Feeling discouraged at times doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong; feeling happier or freer isn’t a reward or sign that I’ve finally gotten it right. Emotions are fickle, they come and go. The idea is to learn to be steadier no matter what’s happening and not abandon the work (whatever that may be, in the moment), rain or shine.