Clock watching.

Still from Clockwatchers

There was a point when I couldn't fathom doing my current job for a full year.

As the new girl, I listened to my coworkers casually mention things that happened in the office the year before and wondered how they could ever have survived there that long. 

The frustration, the tedium, the atmosphere of general aggression; who could endure it? Or more to the point, why would a person endure it?

I thought I'd be there 6 months, maybe, if I could help it. 

It has been nearly 3 years. 

Tearful mornings gave way to dread, which gave way to inevitability, which gave way to something like acceptance, which then gave way to flattened despair.

I like to imagine that the despair has dulled to a workable level but in truth, I am brimming with it. So many days I wake up not knowing how I'll step through that door again, how I'll get through another hour there, let alone the entire week. Months of sending out resumes to no response make renewed efforts to keep looking elsewhere feel silly. It takes more and more time and energy to build up even the tiniest bit of hope these days (which is crucial to continuing on applying and trying to find something else). 

I feel depleted...but I have too far to go to stop now.

I have no idea how I'll do this.

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