Wednesday, September 11, 2013

How does that work??

It was a puzzling sensation, really.

My first reaction was a kind of exasperation at having so much asked of me: come to class each week with a paper detailing my thoughts/feelings related to the assigned reading (invariably related to something of real importance to me, since the entire Women’s Studies class is something of real importance to me) and come ready to have a class discussion.

You mean, don’t just memorize and spout dates and names? Don’t express only the ideas given to me, but develop and share my own? So, you don’t want me to just show up and fill a seat but truly engage with the subject and the world around me and bring my full self to this space and time? That’s a requirement??

I am so unused to such a thing. My real self is hidden away in my most “official” situations. I send forth a partiality and it isn’t even noticed, really. In fact, it’s likely welcomed/expected; no one really wants to hear my opinion at work.

But here, already in the first day of class, you want to know what I think, what I’ve noticed, how I feel. And because this is a topic I care about, having these conversations will actually be meaningful to me. The things I’ve already read and my real world observations and theories will come to bear, here. And you’re going to give me credits, a real sort of currency for all of this.


What? How does that work??

Monday, August 19, 2013

Things that were written just for me:

(Or so I think)

Six Ways to Stop Worrying & Find Work You Love

What's written here about not necessarily specializing or going full force into only one direction, but allowing yourself a wider path to explore many of the things you have talent & interest in, is so crucial.

On the surface, maybe that sounds flighty but really, isn't it just a more organic approach to the way we really live? I don't know anyone who only loves or has interest in ONE thing in life. We're layered, we have a mosaic of passions, in varying degrees.

“For the first time in the human experience, we have a chance to shape our work to suit the way we live instead of our lives to fit our work. We would be mad to miss the chance.”-Charles Handy

I've got visions brewing.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Not-knowing.

There are days when the most useful thing I can do is hold on to not-knowing.

The scariest thing about my worries is the certainty in them, the sense that these things will happen in just this terrible way…but then they don’t. Something else happens entirely.

A few weeks ago I was here writing about how my resume never gets any response…that night I edited and re-formatted it and applied to a few things and got a call back the next morning from a recruiter, asking for an interview.

See how much I know.

For the moment, there have been no giant, sweet changes in my situation but that doesn’t mean there are none on the way.


I don’t know what’s coming.


Thursday, August 1, 2013

Love.

Whoa. Did you ever see something and immediately wish you'd made it yourself?

Enter this hand painted clutch from Michelle Robinson of the Create Ture shop.

Like, why didn't I come up with something this beautiful?

I'm in real love right now.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Making things?

Le sigh.

It feels like I haven't sat down with a pair of pliers in so long. No painting, no wire twisting, no making of anything.

Here are a few of the last things I put together:


Necklaces (long overdue!)


Bracelet love.

They all need names and proper Etsy listings but I haven't felt like wrist modeling and such, so...no Etsy shine for them.

Odd as it sounds, I'd sort of rather just make things without bothering about Etsy these days, just because I don't want to find myself waiting for sales and feeling antsy when they don't come. The process of making things was supposed to relieve anxiety, not create it. But, you know. I can't help but hope that other people will find what I've made and like it enough to want to wear it. It necessarily becomes a participatory thing when you put something up for sale or consumption.

Le sigh. I'll put them up soon.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Clock watching.

Still from Clockwatchers

There was a point when I couldn't fathom doing my current job for a full year.

As the new girl, I listened to my coworkers casually mention things that happened in the office the year before and wondered how they could ever have survived there that long. 

The frustration, the tedium, the atmosphere of general aggression; who could endure it? Or more to the point, why would a person endure it?

I thought I'd be there 6 months, maybe, if I could help it. 

It has been nearly 3 years. 

Tearful mornings gave way to dread, which gave way to inevitability, which gave way to something like acceptance, which then gave way to flattened despair.

I like to imagine that the despair has dulled to a workable level but in truth, I am brimming with it. So many days I wake up not knowing how I'll step through that door again, how I'll get through another hour there, let alone the entire week. Months of sending out resumes to no response make renewed efforts to keep looking elsewhere feel silly. It takes more and more time and energy to build up even the tiniest bit of hope these days (which is crucial to continuing on applying and trying to find something else). 

I feel depleted...but I have too far to go to stop now.

I have no idea how I'll do this.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Rain or shine.

In the days when I felt lighter, when I felt like I had woken up from the dreariness I felt, I remember thinking, “Well, now what am I going to do with a blog about ennui?”

I thought the spaciousness I felt would be permanent. I thought I had solved something.

So then feeling discouraged and limited and worried again the very next week felt like a failure, and also like a betrayal. How could that spaciousness go away? Why do I have to come back to this?

I really, really don’t understand impermanence in a visceral way. I haven’t gotten it down in my bones that I am not going to feel euphoric all the time no matter what I do. This is about learning to cope with my whole life, including the inevitable ups and downs, not somehow escaping the changes of my inner landscape.


Feeling discouraged at times doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong; feeling happier or freer isn’t a reward or sign that I’ve finally gotten it right. Emotions are fickle, they come and go. The idea is to learn to be steadier no matter what’s happening and not abandon the work (whatever that may be, in the moment), rain or shine.